"....dont resent me, and when your feeling empty keep me in your memory and leave out all the rest"
Ah...Linkin Park...good song if anyone was curious. Seems to be pretty fitting at the moment. Amazing how music can affect someone so deeply. Okay....so update: I just got back to Nebraska last nite....I was in good 'ol AZ for 2 beautiful weeks....still not long enough. =[ Im so homesick already. My stomach has been in knots all day and Im so confused. Actually...yes...im a confused, scared lil girl. I am beyond words to describe the feelings that are overpowering me at the current moment. Being in AZ was so amazing. But I still feel that I didnt get to see or do all the things i wanted. I miss my parents so damn much....and my friends..ugh. Such a shitty feeling. I wish this could be an easy break for me.....but of course not...i sure got myself into a nice predicament. My heart is aching....I LOve him....and a part of me does not want to leave....but deep in my heart I know that my life does not end here. I had the most amazing possible job opportunity...basically a dream job that could be mine if the position opens.....I really want it. Granted i wont know about it till July....but i want to be back now. I feel like im suffocating here. Rachael called me tonight and made me cry like a bitch! She told me some of the nicest things and yet....i still cant believe them myself. Im feeling so low right now. I know if i stay any longer it will just hurt him and myself more. But what if Im making a huge mistake? What if i regret leaving? so many "what ifs"??? GOD...i wish i had the slef confidence to just do this.
I know that i have the support from all those love me, but that still doesnt make this any easier. A part of me wishes i never would have come here...but i cant say that there is truth to that. I am happy i came...i grew in ways i didnt know i could. I will always love him....and i just wish he would be understanding as to why i need to leave....im not leaving him....im leaving this life. There is nothing here for my future. Damn i sound so selfish! i feel like maybe im not ready to settle down to such a committed relationship. And at the same time....my insecurities come screaming in my head telling me that ill end up lonely forever....that maybe there isnt that "knight in shining armor" to come sweep me off my feet. I know I NEED to be alone....just to be Niki for a while....but the truth is I dont KNOW how to be alone. Pathetic right? Im scared to death of being alone....in the romantic sense. I know that i have wonderful friends who would help me with anything i ever needed...but im afraid to feel that empty void that only a lover can fill.
FUCK MY LIFE!!!! I NEED to come home.....will AZ take me back!????
She is feeling the emptiness of loneliness creeping in
She doesnt know how to be alone
Her heart beats slower & slower
Quick shallow breathes are the only subtle sound in the midnight darkness
Living a beautiful lie, forgetting her own happiness
she gave him her heart....or so she thought
love was not supposed to be this way she thought
where were the butterflies....the softest touches?
what happened....how did they go?
her head spinning she falls to the floor
broken, listless and empty
nothing seems to save her from herself
The guilt, remorse, and deceit
She mastered the greatest lie of all time:
LOVE
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