Yesterday was St. Patty's day and there was quite the celebration at Rooster's Pub (aka...scotts basement) It was a pretty fun time...there were tons of people there. I didnt stay too long because im still feeling a little under the weather. But Clay did stay....all damn night. Nice. Im feeling so lonely lately. I just want to be home so badly. I miss my parents so much. I miss going to Starbucks...i miss the varieties of living in a city. I guess ive just been trying so hard to be someone im not. Trying to mold into this girl that would make clay happy. I love him so much. I really do. But im really thinking that i am just not cut out for this type of lifestyle. I really hate admitting this because so many people didnt think i could do this. And now...they are right. ARG. Im not going to make any rash decisions just yet...ive just been thinking about alot of things lately. I just dont know what would be more painful....leaving hyannis & Clay...or staying here and being unhappy. =[ I dont know. It would break my heart to leave clay because i know that it would be the end of us...for good. And that thought scares the hell out of me. He is the only guy ive ever truly loved. I love him so much....but it seems like love just isnt enough sometimes and that just really sucks. My heart hurts just thinking of not being with him. The mere thought of this is brining tears to my eyes. Im just afraid that later down the road im going to regret ever leaving here. Im afraid that ill return to AZ and then be miserable again within a few months. One HUGE plus would be that Nikki might be moving back to AZ. OMG..that would be so awesome. I miss her so much.
My heart is breaking in millions of pieces. Im trying eagerly to pick them up and put them back together...but my efforts just seem useless. The familiar sting of salt water in my eyes start streaming my face and onto my quivering lips. My one love...moving farther and farther away from me. Will i ever recover from such heartache? Will i ever be as strong again? Im missing the kisses...the i love yous...the nights spent sweetly entwined with one another.How can someone just walk away from all this? And if i dont...i feel like i am slowly dying on the inside...slowly withering away to insignificance. I dont love myself right now...i cant. I wish this would would heal overnight. i dont want to feel the stinging pain anymore. I cant handle it. Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to break the cycle. I cant go on like this.
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