Well it has definitely been far too long since I updated this thing. I suppose because I went old school and began writing in my actual journal again. However, I shouldnt completely neglect this online journal either....but its not like anyone reads this....which is perfectly okay with me!
So where do I begin....I am currently single....been single since the first week of Feb. I know....crazy. I feel like ive been single for a hell of a lot longer than 2 stinkin months! At first I was doing great....hell up until last week I was LOVING being single. And now suddenly Im feeling the loneliness and it pretty much sucks ass. I have met some really nice and cool guys lately...but for whatever reason I just dont have a lot of interest. No thats a blatant lie. I know the reason as to why I am not feeling them. After many years of being in denial, lying to myself and shoving feelings down to the pit of my stomach, it has currently dawned on me that I have real, strong, deep feelings for my long time friend, Carlos. (WOW.....I have NEVER admitted that out loud....EVER). Anyways, these sudden feelings came rushing about a month ago....on my drive home from Tucson. I had spent the weekend with him...which is not unusual....I visit him in Tucson frequently. We had a great time. So as I am driving home I start thinking about him. WTF!?!?! I mean I have thought about him....but this time it was different. I was REALLY thinking about him. I started missing him and I was missing being curled up on his bed (I always sleep in his bed with him....I have done this since i was 17!) But this time everything was so different. I was so angry that I had these feelings. I knew they would come out eventually;....I just didnt think it would happen now. Needless to say, I tried telling Carlos how I felt....and he told me that he has feelings for me too. BUT....i really dont think he understands how serious I am...and that I have legit feelings for him. Real feelings as in "I think Im in love with him"
Anyways much to my disappointment.....I was in Tucson last weekend. And he mentions that hes been secretly dating his coworker. (OW). Needless to say i was crushed. Now, I have been hurt before, but this was such a different type of hurt. I honestly feel that my heart was stopped. I hate this feeling. I mean, how ridiculous was I to think that after all this time he would still want me? I have tried going out with different dudes....and Ive tried hooking up with these dudes....and I just cant do it. my heart is just screaming no. Maybe its because deep down I know who I want and im not willing to settle. Who knows. All i do know is that my heart is aching and I want it to feel better. Gah...this is bullshit.
Ok i have been putting off my hwk long enough.....
"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone more deserving of your love and affection, and that person is no place to be found. You, yourself more than anyone else in the universe deserves your love and affection."
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